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DEAR ABBY:<\/b> I have been married more than 20 years to my best friend. She\u2019s the love of my life. We have been through a lot together and have been in couples counseling for eight months. We almost divorced last year because of an emotional affair I had seven years ago. (She had a similar distraction last year.)<\/p>\n
We are friends and do everything together. I try to do everything right. I\u2019m there for her emotionally. I have stopped drinking every day and developed a positive, mindful and kind mindset. I got myself into shape physically. I earn a good living, help around the house, prepare dinner for all of us and help with kids\u2019 appointments and activities.<\/p>\n
The problem? My wife has physically withdrawn from me. Anything beyond hugs and kisses is too much for her. Physical intimacy happens less than once a month. I feel alone in my own home because I thrive on touch and affection but receive none. I love my wife and don\u2019t want to be with anyone else. The counselor says things \u201cmay\u201d turn the corner \u201cin time.\u201d In the meantime, how do I function while feeling undesired and rejected on a daily basis? \u2014 FORGOTTEN HUSBAND IN THE SOUTH<\/i><\/p>\n
DEAR HUSBAND:<\/b> You have my sympathy. It is possible that as much as you and your wife like and love each other, you are better friends than spouses. Because after eight months of counseling with your wife nothing has changed, there are no gestures of affection and you feel alone in your own home, it\u2019s time you found a psychotherapist of your own. It\u2019s clear that joint counseling has not been helpful.<\/p>\n
DEAR ABBY:<\/b> How do I get my daughter-in-law, \u201cDarlene,\u201d to clean up after herself? I live in the house, pay rent and help with the bills, but she constantly creates a mess in the kitchen and everywhere else. She fills the sink with dishes daily and never washes pots and pans, to the point I can\u2019t use the kitchen to cook. Darlene doesn\u2019t work and has nothing to do all day but create a disaster and wait for me or my son (her husband) to clean up behind her.<\/p>\n
My son and I each work full-time. He does all the laundry, cleaning and cooking. If I say anything, Darlene gets defensive and makes all kinds of excuses why she can\u2019t. (It\u2019s sheer laziness.) If I say anything to my son, he defends her because she whines and cries about how \u201ctired\u201d she is and claims to have all kinds of illnesses (her stomach hurts, she\u2019s on her period or just too tired). She stays up late every night and can\u2019t wake up to get my grandson to school, so my son does it every day.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m at my wits\u2019 end, but I don\u2019t want to create an environment where Darlene will ignore me and turn my son against me. Help! \u2014 OUT OF BALANCE IN THE SOUTH<\/i><\/p>\n
DEAR OUT OF BALANCE:<\/b> You cannot change the unhealthy dynamic in your son\u2019s household unless he and his wife agree to do so. From what you have written, that isn\u2019t likely to happen. Be glad that you are fully employed, because the healthiest situation for you would be to make other living arrangements.<\/p>\n
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.<\/i><\/p>\n
To order \u201cHow to Write Letters for All Occasions,\u201d send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby \u2014 Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 446, Kings Mills, OH 45034-0446. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n